The John McCain campaign machine, running on fumes in the last frantic days before the election, still won’t abandon the desperate Joe-the-Plumber narrative it rolled out in an attempt to create a game changing moment in the third presidential debate. Even with poor Joe now exposed to the nation as non-licensed, a non-taxpayer, and even a non-Joe—his real name is Samuel Wurzelbacher—the Republicans have decided to defend their poor, beleaguered symbol until the bitter end.

 Of late, they have said that it doesn’t matter what isn’t true about Joe, but what is—that he’s an everyday American trying to get ahead, a salt-of-the-Earth type, into whose steely blues we can all gaze and see tiny, saintly reflections of ourselves. Such a claim invites a psychological analysis—for if he truly is Everyman, then we need to examine the person who Republicans say is strolling every street in every town of these vast United States.

So let’s put Joe on the analyst’s couch and take an unflinching gander at him—and in so doing see what the Republicans think of the rest of us.

Joe explained to Barack Obama, during a now-infamous campaign tête-a-tête, that he was thinking of buying a plumbing business that would make $250,000 next year and possibly increase his tax exposure under the Obama plan. Of course, we all know now that Joe can’t buy so much as a corner fruit stand because of tax difficulties. Which means he lied to Obama—willfully, and with the very first words that came out of his mouth. We can only assume—based on the premise of the McCain campaign’s Everyman narrative—that they think average Americans are liars too, or at the very least delusional narcissists.

Obama had no way of knowing he was conducting a hypothetical exercise by answering Joe’s question, and dutifully explained that Joe would indeed pay 3% higher taxes now, but would have made more money in the past and wouldn’t have had to wait fifteen years to achieve the dream of buying the plumbing business. Obama went on to say that ninety-five percent of small businesses would pay lower taxes under his plan. His point was that the plan was perhaps too late to directly help a successful guy like Joe, but would help his fellow Americans who were still struggling to achieve their own dreams. This was immaterial to Joe. As part of the five percent whose taxes would go up, he didn’t care about the ninety-five.

Joe didn’t pause to consider that the reason America is in its current mess is because for far too long the desires of the five percent have taken precedence over the needs of the ninety five percent. Or perhaps he did consider, but didn’t care. Which means that, though the banking system he needs to access in order to buy the plumbing business is teetering at the rim of a deep crater, and if it slips over the edge his dreams of entrepreneurship go sayonara with it, he steadfastly rejects the notion of paying 3% higher taxes in order to help bring health and sanity to the American economy. The only conclusion we can draw is that Joe doesn’t care about America. Does that mean average Americans don’t care about America either? McCain and Co. seem to think they don't.

At some point, any successful American reaches a higher tax bracket. These brackets are like the floors of an apartment building. You cannot reach the top floor without passing the lower ones. But Joe wasn’t okay with that. Well then, when would he have been okay with it? At $300,000 per annum? $400,000? It’s pretty clear that this Everyman would never want to pay higher taxes, even to help ninety-five percent of people in his exact situation. And one can deduce from his tax troubles that he doesn’t simply hate the idea of paying higher taxes, but loathes paying taxes in general to the extent that he’ll cheat on them.

Joe’s rightwing defenders say his tax problems are out-of-bounds subject matter. This is absurd, of course. If Joe had engendered a national discussion about whether the Giants can win the Super Bowl again, his unpaid taxes would be irrelevant. But since he engendered a national discussion about tax policy, his difficulties with the IRS are fair game. It’s also worth noting that Joe was eager to criticize others, but thought his own shortcomings didn’t matter, or that the rules didn’t apply to him. Joe is squirming on the analyst’s couch now, because it’s hard to hear the truth about yourself, even if you’re just a metaphor. But there’s more.

When discussing the presidential candidates, our friend Joe claimed to be undecided. But he has already said he doesn’t like Obama’s tax policy. He’s also said he doesn’t like Obama’s healthcare plan because it’s a step toward socialism, thinks Social Security is a joke, is proud of U.S. military efforts in Iraq, and is tired of people criticizing the United States. So basically, he’s a run-of-the-mill rightwinger trying to don a swing voter’s clothing, even though his stated beliefs tell us quite clearly he wouldn’t swing left even if someone slapped him around and waterboarded him. This behavior indicates that he hates to be labeled exactly what he is; he hates that people can see him clearly even as he tries to appear open minded. Joe can posture like Auguste Rodin’s “The Thinker” all he wants, but the obvious truth is that in the privacy of the voting booth, when it’s just him and the button, he will do exactly as everyone expects.

The McCain campaign’s Joe-as-Everyman narrative tells us that average Americans are selfish liars and cheats, narcissists who pretend to be thoughtful and open-minded, who talk about loving America but in reality would never put the interests of the nation above theirs, who think the rules they constantly enumerate to others don’t apply to them, and who behave one way in public and another way in private. Does that sound like the Americans you know? Perhaps, or perhaps not, but what’s important is that this is what John McCain, Sarah Painful-to-Hear Palin, and the rest of their camp must think of average Americans. Which constitutes another reason among hundreds they shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the White House.