I am a serial monogamist.  I have tried to find the cure for my disease through therapy and yoga, advice from my married friends and I’ve even tried to settle down – it just hasn’t worked out for me.  I love Black women, they are the drug I can never give up.  Some brothers complain that Black women can be difficult, materialistic, hard to approach, hard to please, etc. And although I don’t disagree with them I still love my sisters, especially the ones with attitude. They are the ones that melt.  My uncle once told me that a good woman never gives herself away.

With Obama’s election victory the relationships between Black men and women has become a major point of focus for me.  In the search for my own Michelle Obama, I’ve identified my patterns as a serial monogamist. My objective is to interject some new thoughts into the ethos of Black male and female relationships. 

Confessions of the Serial Monogamist

A little about me: I grew up in New York City in the 80s. In Harlem in particular girls were mean. All of the pretty girls had attitude back then, and you had to learn to deal if you wanted to date one of them. I don’t like casual sex; I love relationship sex because when you have a girl friend, you can really get your freak on. I’ve had 20 plus relationships, and fallen in love five times.  At 38 that’s not so bad. The problem seems to be that I can’t to break three years.  Once I learned the rules of engagement in college, it became easy to attract women. The hard part is maintaining a lasting relationship.  I would cheat if I could find a woman that would let me, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I cheated on my first love a couple of times, but it didn’t do anything, other than make me want her more.

The First Love

My first love crushed me.  I used to get so mad if we had an argument, or went out with her friends instead of me. I’d try to do my thing, but I always still wanted her thing.  The woman opened me up.  She taught me so much that my mother didn’t and honestly couldn’t.  She was fastidious, organized, and really smart.  We had a strong intellectual connection and I learned a lot about women’s issues.  One of the best lessons she taught me was that women run things: late night she wakes up and starts messing with me, I decide I am not giving it to her, why does she always need to be in control.  I tried to act like I was asleep, I don’t know what she did – it’s just not fair – why can’t I say no – S%#t was too good. 

She’d actually taken me from her Sorority sister, and although they didn’t know each other I was honest about it.  I was also helpless. It had nothing to do with looks. I wasn’t necessarily interested in her, but she had game and she got me.            It began at a house party in Brooklyn when we danced, and I walked off.  An hour later she took me outside and we talked for a while, and we reconnected at the after party.  I have never forgotten how I felt when we first embraced when dancing at the second spot.  I was hooked by the energy our bodies emitted, the amount of dopamine and oxytocin floating in my mind. After we broke up I ran through women, looking for that feeling, limping several back to her several times. But it wasn’t meant to be and I eventually moved on.  Got some real man advice from a friend watching the Rockets beat the Knicks for the Championship – it’s better to love and lost than to have never loved.  I knew what it was, I knew how to read the chemistry and energy emitted and began my search for my Michelle Obama.        

Relationships

My second love was a young girl that really took care of me. She was a beautiful, strong-willed, chocolate sister who taught me about myself and how I fit in, and how the people around me truly perceived me. Personal tragedy ended that relationship or I would have a 10 year old right now.  The third love was the come up from tragedy.  She was beautiful and had money.  She clothed me, housed me, took me to Jamaica, bought me a cell phone and paid the bill for two years. When I look back, it was really crazy.  She only told me she loved me twice –  in her sleep, and once admitted to spending $15,000 in one week during a short break up.  Controversial statement number one: if I cheated, I would have married that one.  All I had to do was go to business school and end my thuggish ways.  Sex, love, and companionship are different things, we were in love and because of our cultural similarity the companionship was nice.  I could have easily cheated, satisfying my sexual desires elsewhere, but I didn’t because that’s not the feeling I am looking for. The sex was good even if didn’t get enough. She really took care of me and allowed me to heal with dignity. I really loved her for it, and was her loyal soldier until she dismissed me.      

The forth, and fifth loves helped me define myself as a man – teaching me health and writing respectively.  One of the best traits women possess is the ability they have to refine their men. A bonus of this is that it makes us more attractive to other women.  I really wished the last one would have worked out, but we wanted different things. I’m determined to live out my destiny and when you love someone you have to want what they want and they have to want what you want. Your goals have to be the same or parallel – and that is the challenge of the modern relationship.   

Why serial monogamy?

I guess I’m a love junkie.  My uncle once told me I was addicted to love. The way I see it is I just believe in love and believe in myself.  I am building a foundation, I want to add to my political legacy and build a dynasty like Ming, and I can’t and won’t build on a faulty foundation.  The politics of love are crazy and they are crazier in Black America.

I’m attracted to ambitious, independent women like my mother – but those are the ones that always seem to want to play it safe.  I wonder if it is the legacy of slavery for all of the sisters to go after the Doctor, Lawyer, and or Accountant – someone who will provide a comfortable existence and won’t buck the system. 

The Politics of Love

Different societies have different customs, but there is always a politic of love: Rules established by society that define how male and female relationships are conducted.  If we have any desire to transcend the political power gained by Barack Obama entering the white house, then stable families are essential. 

Relationships define who and what you are as a man.  For a man there is nothing more important than understanding how to have balanced relationships with women.  Not everyone is compatible. As you get older, your emotions and desires change, and you learn that civility and chivalry are the greatest assets to any man.  There is no female defense to civility and chivalrousness – they might not like you, but they can’t say anything negative about you if you follow those two rules.  The rest of the rules – waiting two days to call, ignoring someone so they are more attracted to you, playing hard to get, mind games – don’t make sense to me. The how and the what are clear, but the why isn’t. You can’t sweat women, no matter how much you like them, you have to give women space, no matter how much you chase, spend or force, if they don’t want you there is nothing you can do.  But when they love you, there is nothing they won’t do.                         

This is the first in an eight part series on the politics of love, the next one will be a response to the January Glamour article on sleeping with men on the first date.