This is a tricky one to answer. In fact I don’t think there is an answer. “When Should You Sleep With Him?” is an article from the January 2009 Issue of Glamour written by Penny Wrenn. I decided to give a Black Male response to this article because, with the exception of Essence and Ebony, the debate on sexuality is dominated by white women. I bought the magazine for research, and became captivated by the content. I decided to get

1. Law Professor from Brooklyn: 46 Married 1 Child

The Article: The article is well written, interesting, and the author seems like a positive and intelligent woman. I enjoyed it. Her points are all very good.

Opinion on Topic: I would say that yes, sex too fast can be a mistake. However, this is for men that only want solely sex in the first place. By and large it is better for a woman to wait if a real relationship is what she wants. One problem though is that it should not be based on the quantity of time spent with him but rather the quality of time. If she cannot have at least a few solid dates where they are talking and holding each other’s attention, respect and admiration before jumping into bed then what’s the point if her real intent is a solid relationship. Another issue is that many, if not most, men do like a woman to show some value by holding back a little. Any intelligent man would think "well if she did this with me fast she must do that with other cats as well!" On the other hand it’s not too good to make him wait so long where a "quality" dude feels insulted that she is treating him like every other when in fact he is "a catch." This judgment can only be made on a case by case basis. No absolutes here.

If It Happened to You: When I’ve done it before it’s usually someone I’ve known from work, the community, school for at least a few months and when we went out it was on. I never slept with women for solely for physical reasons so it didn’t matter much to me.

2. Engineering Professor from St Albans: 37 Married 2 Kids

The Article: Women who think that they can control their sexuality and be promiscuous at the same time are so far off base it astounds me. A woman’s sexuality and a man’s sexuality are different because of physicality. If a woman hoops around and gets pregnant she is going to be in a position where she will need to depend on somebody at sometime. This doesn’t happen to a man. Women go through a lot of physiological changes when they are pregnant, and thus become dependent on other people. The reality is that men never have that physiological challenge.

Opinion on Topic: If your objective is to find someone to be with you it is not a good strategy. But you can find love that way.

If It Happened to You: Not on my short list of marriage material but who knows, it just didn’t work out for me that way.

3. Haitian Chemistry Teacher from Flatbush: 31 Married 2 Kids

The Article: I didn’t read into it too much. The author is not a traditional woman. Traditional women spend more time getting to know a man, before becoming physical. The author made it seem as if she could separate the physical from the emotional. I don’t know too many women that can truly do that. However, in the end she was kind of like a traditional dude, in a role reversal sort of way.

Opinion on Topic: As long as you know what you are looking for it doesn’t really matter. If you want something physical just be aware of that and let the other party know. Seems that author was looking for something long term and that is just not the way to go about it. A long term relationship cannot come from just a physical connection. But if all you want is something physical then cool.

If It Happened to You: Never slept with anyone on the first date, but if I did I wouldn’t think she was a freak. I think women have the same needs and desires as men. However because of societal norms they have to be more prudent. They should be more open to what they want; we are animals and we want what we want. I don’t think I would have any misconceptions of her were she is promiscuous or not. I wouldn’t automatically assume that she was promiscuous if a woman slept with me on first date.

4. African Hit Man from Harlem: 27 Single no Kids

The Article: I thought the article was insightful and relevant to today’s dating climate.

Opinion on Topic: Sex is a pivotal plateau in all relationships and depending on when is occurs in the relationship is indicative of success or failure. Often when couples engage in sexual relations early on it’s out of curiosity. Our society is predicated on trial and error whether it be buying clothes or a car and the process is also intrinsic in dating culture. Would you buy jeans without trying them on? Would you buy a car without test driving it or taking a look? How can one enter a relationship or deem their significant other worthy without indulging in the affairs of the flesh. We are bombarded with sex in all facets or our society. Sex is the measuring stick for self actualization. Many people validate their existence through their sex lives.

If It Happened to You: I was in a relationship last year where sex came into play immediately. Although we merged quickly it seemed the more we kept getting intimate the further apart we grew. She wanted to have a relationship but I was reluctant to because of the circumstances of how we met. We wet in a bar and chatted all night. She extended an invitation to her bed, which I graciously accepted. It wasn’t a one night thing, although in retrospect I wish it was. After the first night, we continued to see each other but three months later she indicated things weren’t working and ended our union. I caught her one week later at the same bar with a new dude, apparently this was her modus operandi. I was hurt and distraught. Although we were not in love, the loss of our intimacy was devastating. I felt used, misused and delusional. Ultimately realizing I was the victim of a woman in heat on the hunt. Women are the gate keepers in all sexual affairs; they are the hunters and men are the hunted. In this post “Sex & the City” climate women have the choice to be as salacious as men without the double standard. They give and take away sex on a whim as a form of empowerment.

Myself: Guyanese from Harlem 38 Single no Kids

My young cousin suggested that I read the article while I was writing my last article “Confessions of a Serial Monogamist.” I must say it was a fascinating article. Sleeping with someone on the first date is no thing for me; in fact it was my thing at one point. My first, second and fifth loves all slept with me on the first date. I can’t say that the relationships ended because of it. The first ended because of her tragedy, the second because of mine – both were health related and unexpected. What can you do? You grow and learn. The fifth was a little different, but they were all quality women who added a lot to my life and I loved them. Lots of men frown upon women who sleep with men on their first date. I always used to call my mother the original feminist. Her impact on me is that I like strong independent women who take charge, and those women sometimes decide to take charge of their sexuality immediately.

When I like a girl, it is because of a feeling that she gives me. I am very sensitive in that I feel people and read their emotions. As a result I pick good women. My point is that people are different. The Engineering Professor is my foil and best friend. He has been with his wife since sophomore year of college. In the end I think it is best to wait because sometimes physical connections can disguise flaws. In the end you have to know who you are, you have to be balanced within yourself to be balanced in a relationship. But life is unfair and men never desire what is easily acquired.

If you meet someone in college it is good because you can grow. The older you get the harder it is to find that person because your social options close and you get set in your ways. I think it comes down to knowing yourself, understanding where you fit into the universe. I guess that comes at different times for different people. I have always understood where I fit, I just wasn’t clear on how I was going to get there. We all have our own journeys Women and men beware: no one wants to get stuck with a psycho baby mother over a one night stand.