| Older-Woman vs. Younger-Man Survivor: Tips To Help an Older Woman Sustain a Relationship with a Younger Man |
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| Written by Afrika Brown |
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Tip 1: Remember the childhood story of the Tortoise and the Hare. The hare has the physical strengths and is fully aware of his physical attributes, thus he becomes narcissistic. The hare is quick, maybe too quick for his own good. His arrogance makes him annoying yet venerable. The tortoise is physically slower than the hare, but what she lacks in physical prowess she more than makes up for in  brains. Yes, ladies, when it comes to being involved with a younger man, time is on our side. We are more mature, and so, like the tortoise, we are able to see the proverbial race" in its entirety, and know what we need to do to come out ahead, or at least with our sanity intact. Tip 2: Don't become hypnotized by the "sex factor." Sex is an important component of any relationship. When you find a lover that speaks to your body the way you want, the feeling can be intoxicating and addicting; be sure to not let the feeling sweep you away. As stated before, he is the hare, and his physical abilities are one of his more attractive qualities. Nothing is more gratifying than knowing you have a "rabbit" at home ready to please your every sexual command with very little recovery time--Energizer who? Just don't get lost in the fog of great sex, for it is in this "fog" that a woman can lose herself. She ends up making compromises that are not beneficial to her, but only to her mate. She can also begin to accept and make excuses for behavior that she would normally deem unacceptable. If a young man knows that he is "handling his business" in the bedroom, he will become even cockier than he already is -- no pun intended. It is important for him to understand that while he may take the lead in the bedroom, a relationship involves two people; the decisions made in a relationship must benefit both parties. Tip 3: Beware of immaturity. Remember: This version of Survivor has no "immunity," but it will certainly have plenty of immaturity; it is a known fact that women mature at a faster rate than men. An older woman who is in a relationship with a younger man is herself "young at heart," but we have the best of both worlds: youthful exuberance and wisdom. Keep in mind, ladies, that your man is fully aware that he is at a disadvantage; his immaturity will often appear in the form of arrogance. Oftentimes a younger lover is less  sexually experienced, makes less money, and is less worldly than their older counterpart. Anyone in this position would feel somewhat intimidated. When your lover acts in a way that reeks of immature arrogance, remember to keep a cool, level head. Try to remember that you were his age before, so you are well aware of the emotions he is experiencing --even if you have moved past them. To his immaturity, reply in a tone that is stern but not mothering. It is important to play the role of politician to prevent a discussion from escalating into a full-blown argument. After the heat simmers down, talk -- offer gentle, loving guidance. Trust me, he will be looking for it; one of the appeals of an older woman is her experience. Tip 4  Let him be the man. My partner and I are seven years apart, and this age difference puts our relationship upside-down from the start. You might find it natural to take the lead, because you are more worldly and have more to bring to the table -- but don't. Men are prideful creatures and the younger they are, the more pride they possess. If you and your mate live together, as my partner and I do, it is important that you let him be the "king of the castle,"or to at least make him feel that way. You may have a tendency to treat him more like the prince, as you are the breadwinner and he is younger-- again, don't. Sometimes he may even expect you to take the lead, knowing that you are the breadwinner. Do not allow him to let you play mother; a man must feel like a man and know that his woman sees him as one. Trying to play the boss can sometimes be an emasculating experience for a man, especially one that may still be trying to find himself. You should not, in any way, stand by and play folly to his reckless decisions. As he is younger and less experienced, he may make decisions impetuously without thinking about future ramifications. I have a saying that I always stick to in relationships: "I am the minister of the interior and he is the minister of the exterior." This means at home I make sure my opinion is heard, but outside I let it appear that he is the head of the household. When my partner and I went car shopping, we had a talk prior to going to the dealership about the questions we needed to ask, the type of cars we wanted to look at, and the car note we wanted. When we arrived at the dealership I allowed him to ask the questions and do the talking, but I didn  t let him make the decisions. We went off to the side, talked about it, and I let him negotiate the sale. I made him feel like a man, and in the process ensured a decision wasn't made that would hurt us in the long run. Remember, ladies, that you can't let him run the show; your opinion has to be heard in order to have a successful relationship. However, allow him to take the lead once in a while -- a man needs that. Tip 5: Beware of the "caveman." While this version of Survivor will not have an exotic location, you may feel as if you have been transported back to prehistoric times if you are involved with a caveman. My definition of a caveman is a modern man who still subscribes to all the old-fashioned notions of a woman's role in the home. A caveman believes a woman does the cooking, even if she is bringing home the bacon. He also believes that a woman does the dishes, the laundry, cleans the rooms, and does the windows, all while working a full-time job. Men, find a clue. household roles once they begin living with a woman. It took my mother 20 years to break my father out of this type of thinking. Sadly, if a younger lover is coming directly from his mother In my experience, even a man who has lived out on his own will usually settle back into the "traditional" house, he is almost definitely a caveman so used to mommy doing everything that he automatically believes you will do the same. Face it ladies, the Madonna-whore mentality is alive and well.  Establish the ground rules early. Make sure your young partner understands that a relationship is a partnership and that includes household chores. Also remember that when you have these types of talks with him that you can't sound like mommy laying down the law; again, you must be a constant politician. I realized my young partner was indeed a caveman himself when I heard him say, "You don't see the dishes piled in the sink?" The dishes he was referring to were the same dishes he helped to dirty, but he had some asinine notion that it was my job to clean them. My first instinct was to say, "Fool, don't you see the dishes piled in the sink? Who died and told you your name is Mister? Cause my name is Afrika, and not Miss Celie." Of course, I did not say that. A response like that would have only led to an argument. I simply told him that I work everyday just like him. I need help keeping the house clean and that a man who takes pride in his home will not gripe about helping to keep it clean. He understood, and now he does help with the household chores. Tip 6: Bone up on your "communication-chess" skills. As this game of Survivor is all mental, communication will be your greatest ally against being sent to "break-up" exile. Since you are the more experienced of the two, and a woman, you are always thinking, but you must think differently when dealing with someone younger. Some say that chess is a game for kings. In history, kings played chess to develop strategies when going to war. However, chess can also a game for queens. You must use all of your life experience when developing a strategy for dealing with a younger man. You must remember what it was like when you wore his shoes, but you can't walk backwards. You must take those lessons learned, apply them, and help elevate your man. You also have to allow him to grow on his terms, which is why communication is so important. He will make mistakes, a lot of them -- it is part of the growth process. Knowing how to articulate your needs without sounding demanding or preachy will allow both parties to grow together, and you will run a better chance of him actually taking and applying your advice. My relationship with my younger partner has certainly been a test of wills. I have been a contestant of this game, banished to break-up "exile," only to return to play some more. If I had known some of these tips when I had first become involved with him, I could have saved myself a ton of screaming matches. Every relationship is different, as every man -- young or old -- is different. These tips will not make a relationship with a younger man any less challenging, but these tips can make a woman becoming involved with a younger man aware of how to become a younger-man Survivor. Look at me, I am still surviving and we are still in love.
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Ladies, in spite of our constant complaints about not wanting to play games when it comes to love, it seems that most relationships are a series of mental and emotional arm-wrestling matches. A relationship with a man of any age is certainly a challenge, yet any woman that has a relationship with a younger man would concur that the word "challenge" would be an understatement. Your "chess" skills would have to rival those of Bobby Fischer to be able to sustain a relationship with a younger man and maintain your mental capacity.